Probably a slightly confused post here; I’m writing this whilst curled up in bed around my dislocated hip (Well, just sore and inflamed now, but it was dislocated and it really, really hurts) and having Weird Feelings.
I’ve been invited to go on holiday again with Best Friend – Just two days, to go and muck about on the boat with his family. And it hits enough anxieties that I just can’t go.
1 – I don’t like how much “supervised socialising” I end up doing. I know that nobody else has as guarded a relationship with their family as I do, but I’m pretty well conditioned to be on high-alert around my own family, and thus am always on a slightly-lesser alert with other people’s. BFF and his Mum have a really equal relationship, which means that sometimes he’ll snap at her, and she’ll snap back, and I just cower for a few minutes because I know that had that been me and my Mum, I would be punished for months for speaking to her like that. As such it both worries me that I might get dragged into a massive row, makes me feel like I’m about to get shouted at for being nearby, and then reminds me that no, my upbringing wasn’t normal. Being an adult who can’t quite socialise with older adults because I associate socialising with older adults with “Being told off afterwards for not behaving myself” is a bit crippling.
2 – This ties into the fact that I need looking after a bit now. Being carsick, falling asleep from exhaustion, needing to stop the car to fix bad joints, not being able to carry bags or cook dinner is the epitome of “not behaving myself”. Giving one-word-answers to questions, then rambling and making inappropriate jokes is also definitely “not behaving myself” and is probably also “showing off”. Having to stop people in the middle of a sentence to get my medication and fix something that’s dislocated – especially if I make a noise of pain in the process – is very definitely “showing off” and is the most exasperating thing ever. Especially around someone who is really ill and is just dealing with it without making such a stupid song-and-dance about it.
3 – As is probably pretty fucking predictable, I thus overcompensate. I try to hold off the medication for as long as possible, or to be really careful about what I say, or to help even when I can’t. And thus I cause problems, I end up breaking myself physically, or I get completely tongue-tied and say nothing. And end up having really weird days.
4 – The day(s) afterwards, I thus either hurt (in which case I was stupid to have gone out and tried) and end up complaining about it to BFF (making a song-and-dance) or I don’t hurt (and thus shouldn’t have made such a song-and-dance the day previously). These nice people who invite me to things shouldn’t have to put up with that.
5 – Thus I shouldn’t go to things.