So the last few weeks have been stressful. Starts with the psycho costume furore, goes on the the Samaritans’ Radar, via a massive bout of self-harm, a long hard look at whether surviving that suicide attempt in September was a good thing (Jury is currently out), a massive wobble in which I’ve been hiding from my best friend, and reopening my complaint against RLMP with the health ombudsman, after that paramedic’s phone call got me a phone call from a doctor who said… Wait for it… “Phone back tomorrow morning and book an appointment, this doesn’t sound urgent”. My issue was “All of my muscles are in spasm, I’ve run out of diazepam, my mental health has gone through ‘fragile’ into ‘nonexistent’, I’ve not slept for more than three hours at a stretch since early October and not had a night without exhausting nightmares since the 15th, and my whole life is ruled by pain, exhaustion and trying to avoid really permanently damaging myself”.
So, at 5.30pm on the 30th, after I’d smashed a few glasses and opened a few veins, I walked off into the rain and registered at a new GP. Who gave me an appointment for yesterday, the 3rd. I waited less than a week. I asked for the appointment at about 6mp, and not only did they have appointments left, but they could also book me in for a follow-up in a month if it was going to be needed, and a new-patient-appointment with a nurse on the 11th.
At the appointment, I repeated the complaint above. And I got a pretty decent response. My new GP, Dr AC, seems a bit worried about addiction (“I’m worried about prescribing you diazepam, since it’s addictive” rather than “I’m worried about prescribing you diazepam, since it gets less effective over time etc”) and can’t tell the difference between non-prescription and herbal medicine (Diphenydramine isn’t herbal. Not herbal at all) but she’s noted my mental ill-health, respects that I don’t need anything right now, and has carried forward all of my old scripts. Plus, she looks a lot like my best friend from sixth form, and graduated from my old University (Where I also worked in the medical school!) and that gets my vote.
And now, apparently, I’m crawling back into insomnia again. Welcome to autumn.