It’s about the time of year where, usually, I’d start getting a massive boost of energy – The days are getting longer, I can hear actual birdsong outside, the snow has basically cleared – And thus I’m in the horrible elastic bit of time where I can feel myself getting more energetic, but my mood hasn’t lifted at all.
There are two times of the year when I’m at the greatest risk for self-harm of the uncontrolled, not-just-a-couple-of-scalpel-cuts-as-a-painkiller kind; The very end of summer, sort of late August, early September, and the very start of spring, usually around Febraury. I am, possibly understandably, concerned that I am about to start doing so again. Today I had an anxiety attack that lasted from abut 09.00-14.00, and which took a fair bit of concentration to remind myself that it was just an anxiety attack – That I didn’t always feel this awful, and that suicide wasn’t a solution. When I’m in an episode of extremely poor mental health, thoughts like this can happen a lot, and I’ve acted on them before (More luck than judgment that I’m still around).
So I’m keeping an eye on myself – I’ve got more reasons than usual to want to stop existing this year (More pain, less achievment, less invested in society, less hope for the future) but I’ve managed to live this long, so I may as well keep going.
Probably worth a swim tonight, to get me out of the house.