Caution: Talks about suicide.
I think I need to explain this one. I’m chronically suicidal. There’s a couple of different sensations;
Type 1 -The “lentils, turmeric, lemon juice, kill myself, chick peas, coriander” feeling. Like as if killing myself is just another option on the things I plan on doing during the day. Usually able to ignore it, or at least transmute it into self harm or complete inactivity.
Type 2 -The champagne glass feeling; It feels like walking down a flight of steep stairs, in a hobble skirt, carrying a tray of champagne glasses. It’s not that I want to fall over and smash all the glasses, it’s that I can’t stop thinking about falling over and smashing all the glasses because it feels likely. It’s not that I want to kill myself, it’s that I can’t stop thinking about it because it feels likely.
Type 3 -The actively wanting to die feeling; Whatever precipitates it, the feeling of just wanting to die. Usually just wanting to not exist, really.
Type 4 – The time to go feeling; The feeling of being in so much pain, whether physical or mental, that I should probably kill myself.
Planning is kind of irrelevant – I’ve got methods. As I had to explain to the NHS Direct handler once, if you ask someone whose house is full of toxicology manuals and anatomy textbooks how they’d kill themself, regardless of whether they want to or not, they’d be able to give you a plausible method basically off the top of their head. The other part of planning, I suppose, is the having my affairs in order – Again, since I’ve always been suicidal, I’ve always had my affairs in order. Documents for the mortgage, bank details, relevant passwords and advance directives, all in a folder in the bureau.
I suppose I’m typical in that the thing that’s stopping me is firstly that I refuse to give any of my friends the issue of finding me, and secondly that I have a phenomenal safety net. Dearest, Sister and Best Friend know that the second I say “Having the problem” they go into crisis mode and take shifts to make sure I’m always supervised (Whether that be online, in-person, or over the phone). I know to go and sit in a public place if I can’t be accompanied, both because I can then eat and drink without needing to make it myself, and because I won’t be able to do anything drastic.
This only really applies to Three and Four, of the major issues. The first two are constant, and just something I have to get on wtih.
Today is the fairly common combination of 1 and 2, with a hint of 4.
I am definitely not going to do anything about it. I am going to make a pilaf, then probably think about buying some bedding.