Today has picked up a bit, but it started at a low – When you’re at the bottom of the Norwegian Trench, swimming a hundred metres up won’t get you to oxygen, so I’m still not doing great. This morning was absolute hell – Flashbacks to some horrible things, to the point that I lost track of what year it was, then lost anything approaching control and smashed a load of crockery and glassware.
This precipitated me cleaning until I’d badly injured myself (Two dislocated hips, hands bloody, right shoulder wrecked, left knee similarly wrecked)
I debated phoning the GP. Over the years, I’ve tried every family of antidepressants going – Some did nothing, some made me numb and forgetful, some sent me into uncontrollable mania, a couple made me more suicidal. I thought about talking therapies that could be offered – I’ve been CBTed enough, and it’s done wonders, but I hate talking to therapists and I always worry that I sound like I’m patronising them and that I think I’m superior. I also despise the whole setup of people looking at me and doing the sad eyes and asking leading questions. And, well, the last time I went to a mental health service (Other than CBT For Pain, which was decent) I was threatened with a BPD diagnosis for being uncooperative (I didn’t want to take Venlafaxine, which had made me feel horrific in the past, and didn’t want to take Quetiapine, since it had such a bad reputation and had stolen a year of my sister’s life) – And I do mean “threatened”, as in “If you don’t cooperate and take the Venlafaxine, we’ll give you a diagnosis of BPD, and then it’ll be reviewed whether you actually have EDS or not, or if it’s just somatoform illness. Which means that your pain medication will be stopped, whilst the specialists work that one out, either way.” in almost exactly those words.
I decided against phoning the GP, and spent half an hour instead bending my fingers backwards.
Eventually, at some point, I started feeling more like myself. I downloaded Sketchup, and started working out how to make buildings (My goal – Design a city with interlinked Metro and light rail, where everyone lives within 200m of a railway station, 20m of a public lawn, 1km or 10 minutes by rail of a school and within 30 minutes of the university, airport, CBD, and hospitals.) My city is currently a load of multicoloured origami papers, stuck to the wall above my chaise with plasticine. Transit hubs are cranes, educational establisments are cicadas, hospitals and surgeries are yakkos. Fields are just flat pieces of paper, because they’re fields. It’s a start, and when I start really playing with it in Sketchup, I can make everything architecturally pretty as well. I can see towerblocks and offices-above-shops being a big part of the model, meaning that there’ll have to be tall buildings, and because this is me designing it, there’ll be rooftop parks and terraces in the CBD.
Maybe my project for this year can be building a little utopia.