Today, I’ve gone completely mental.
Well, it started yesterday.
I’m hearing a fairly loud and persistent voice at the moment (Yes, literally) that’s telling me to hurt myself – specifically, to carve up my bad hip with a scalpel in order to get hurried along the surgery queue. I know this isn’t how it works, but it’s still a loud, distressing, annoying voice.
The other one is the very common one, saying “Hurt yourself, it’s better pain relief than morphine, and the side effects don’t last as long”. This is also difficult to ignore.
The third one is that I’ve had a shower, and the voice is saying “Psch, who do you think you are? putting on airs and graces, having a shower, as if anyone cares, you could wash all you like and still smell foul and not be suited to the company of other people. Fuck airs and graces, you’re not doing anything that bourgeoisie, my friend.”
But replace “airs and graces” with “trousers”.
I am literally sitting here in a towel because I believe that my own trousers are too good for me, and that putting them on would be unbearably acting above my station.
I’ve also self harmed, because some things aren’t completely ignorable. Hopefully, that’ll catalyse me into putting on a shirt and covering it up. I’d been wearing the same pyjamas for several days (sleeping and waking) and that’s not a good look, even for me. I smell completely hateful, even now, immediately post-shower.
Best Friend has offered to come over and keep me company later. Right now, this isn’t good though.