As expected.

Today, I’ve gone completely mental.

Well, it started yesterday.

I’m hearing a fairly loud and persistent voice at the moment (Yes, literally) that’s telling me to hurt myself – specifically, to carve up my bad hip with a scalpel in order to get hurried along the surgery queue. I know this isn’t how it works, but it’s still a loud, distressing, annoying voice.

The other one is the very common one, saying “Hurt yourself, it’s better pain relief than morphine, and the side effects don’t last as long”. This is also difficult to ignore.

The third one is that I’ve had a shower, and the voice is saying “Psch, who do you think you are? putting on airs and graces, having a shower, as if anyone cares, you could wash all you like and still smell foul and not be suited to the company of other people. Fuck airs and graces, you’re not doing anything that bourgeoisie, my friend.”

But replace “airs and graces” with “trousers”.

I am literally sitting here in a towel because I believe that my own trousers are too good for me, and that putting them on would be unbearably acting above my station.

I’ve also self harmed, because some things aren’t completely ignorable. Hopefully, that’ll catalyse me into putting on a shirt and covering it up. I’d been wearing the same pyjamas for several days (sleeping and waking) and that’s not a good look, even for me. I smell completely hateful, even now, immediately post-shower.

Best Friend has offered to come over and keep me company later. Right now, this isn’t good though.

5 thoughts on “As expected.

  1. Not hateful. Not smelly. Trust me on this.

    {{{Gentle soothing hugs}}} & so sorry about the self-harm.

    Please say ‘yes’ to Best Friend. Lonely is not good. Cathy xxx

  2. The voices are hard to ignore. I dont get actual voices just urges but they can be very insistent. Just remember you have choices. Yes you can hear the voice but you have a say too.
    i know the self harmong is sometimes the lesser evil. Just be careful huh?
    as for the trousers would a kilt be better? And if I, a failure at everything I have tried, can be permitted trousers then I say you can too.

  3. An update would be nice for your friends and supporters….*emotional blackmail* – seriously, are you OK?

    • Gnnh, sorry – Slept for most of yesterday, but had Best Friend there with me for company, so wasn’t alone. Actually a really nice, relaxing day in the end. Basically just what I needed.

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