Boris Gilt Rides Again

(Not a reference to anything external, sadly. Boris Gilt was a golden kirin that I once dreamt/hallucinated, who was sitting on the toilet in my old flat, holding a copy of the Financial Times and wearing a bowler hat, and when questioned as to why he was there responded with “Sorry, Charles and Charles had a prior engagement and couldn’t be here.”)

But really, guilt. Today has been all about guilt.

Things that have been too painful, exhausting, or confusing to do;

-Eat

-Put on clothes

-Watch TV

-Talk to best friend over Skype

– Interact with Dearest at all, including simple conversation

So what I have done today;

-Laid on sheepskin, staring at ceiling

-Tried to watch TV, but instead kept interrupting the episode by finishing the conversations I’d failed at earlier, making both impossible to understand.

-Made mess in kitchen, left half-full bowl of bright yellow curry on settee.

-Made mess of settee by kicking the cushions around in circles whilst trying to get comfortable.

-Returned to lying on sheepskin, sleeping.

Basically, I feel as if I should be being a better partner. And my migraine is back, with not so much a vengeance as with tiny niggling pains all over.

Tomorrow I intend to buy new pillows, probably of the massive bolster kind. They make everything better. Also new sheets, since the ones I have are wearing thin, and new curtains to block out the bloody stupid flashing light opposite which is almost certainly part of the problem. I also really want to get some green glass lamps, the ones with the little folding glass doors in the metal frames, so that I can have green candlelight to fall asleep in.

GP appointment on Monday at 17.00, to talk about migraines and medication. Probably a good start.

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3 thoughts on “Boris Gilt Rides Again

  1. I’ve never been a fan of guilt, or his best friend, shame. I’d give them the cold shoulder.

    The plans for tomorrow should wonderful however, especially the bed linen and green candlelight. Really good quality cotton sheets feel lovely,if you have to spend a lot of time in bed due to illness. 🙂

    • I’m not usually a fan of, or really subject to, guilt (Not sure if that’s because I’m not guilty often enough, or because I always pick my actions really carefully) and thus this is both unfamiliar and horrible.

      Clinging onto tomorrow being good.

  2. I hope today is a much better day. Guilt and shame are like the secondary arrows of suffering, the original disability/illness being the first arrow. I can explain the (Buddhist) analogy if you are interested. But in short, we cannot stop the first arrows from piercing us; we can however try to mitigate the second arrows, which take many forms from anger and frustration to grief and guilt.

    Let’s hope you find some really lovely bed linen. Cathy xxxx

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