Honestly, today has been a bit shit. This week, even, has been a bit shit.
So, a couple of days ago I self-harmed a lot, which will probably leave scars. I miscalculated exactly how long my fastskin was, so today it was incredibly obvious that I’d done so when I went swimming.
I’ve only once before swam with really fresh self-harm, and I got called a “bad influence”, with the added explanation of “Because up until now [I’d] always been a good example because [I] came swimming, rain or shine, on crutches and obviously trying despite being handicapped”.
In retrospect, I should have tried on my skin before going to the baths, just to make sure I was all covered up, but I wanted to get out and swim and prove that I wasn’t just a lazy waste of time. I was also having fairly unpleasant hallucinations – Mostly of my younger self, following me around and making unhelpful comments about where to go mining for arteries.
I’ve also had a two-day migraine, which doesn’t help.
I got to the pool, got changed, and managed 400m, swimming not just slowly but with terrible coordination, limbs everywhere, lungfuls of water and splashing like a novice. I actually got out out of shame, rather than exhaustion.
Holiday in a couple of weeks, and I really hope I’m feeling like myself again by then. For now, I’m just going to try to ignore how much everything hurts and how much I feel like my life is awful, and get on with things.