Sirenidae

So, I have a migraine. The weather is as one would expect – Sudden pissing-downpour migraine (The pain localises behind the nose and in half of the roof of the mouth), rather than the high-dark-blue-sky kind of migraine (Where it’s above the brow bone and shoots down into the eye). Usually. I’d be coping with this perfectly well – Curl up, take a zomig and watch the telly under a soft green light until I fall asleep.

Unfortunately, today there are complications. Yesterday and the night before, something happened in my right hip, or possibly with my sciatic nerve, that means that I’ve not been able to move the leg for about forty-eight hours (Below is a diagram of where the pain goes – It’s ridiculously precise, there’s no generalised soreness, just on the points.)

paindiagram2 paindiagram

Anyway, this is incredibly fucking distressing. The ideal thing to do would be to curl up with a bottle of morphine and, again, go to sleep in front of the telly. Yesterday, I took 12mg of diazepam (A month’s supply), 90mg of morphine, and then had to fight to stay awake all day.

Because of the big complication – Night terrors. For about the past month, even when I’ve been full of sleeping pills, or so drunk I should have been out like a rock, or on enough opiates to kill a horse, I’ve had night terrors. I’m used to them – I get them usually about once or twice a month, so they’re not a mystery, but they’re still basically hell. No matter how many times you get one, they are the most frightening thing on earth.

I don’t know how to sensibly explain this. No matter what the most terrifying thing is that has happened to you in the real world, a night terror is worse, because it is just a complete chemical overload. Much like a drug high will always be more baffling and euphoric than a happy experience, a night terror is like a bad trip. And thus, well, I’ve not ben sleping – I’ve not wanted to sleep overnight, because waking up in the dark whilst having a night terror makes it 100% more likely that I will mistake the person I’m sharing a bed with for the night terror, and I will end up either attacking them or fleeing from them as I get back into consciousness (Sleeping on the settee in the Homelands was great, since I could leave the light on overnight, and didn’t have anyone to accidentally thump).

So, usually, at this point, I would start making up the sleep debt by having a lot of daytime naps – A night terror during the day is still horrible, but there’s less crossfire. Of course, having night terrors has one big further complication – Sudden, uncontrolled movement. The body thinks it’s under attack and needs to do anthing to survive.

That means waking up with a massive startle response. Which means flinging my leg across the room and doing a load of damage and making it worse.

And this is basically how seemingly-unrelated things can make each other worse. Lack of sleep makes the migraines more likely, night terrors make me sleep less, migraine means needing to find a comfotable position to rest in, damaged hip means that there is no position to rest in, pain from the hip makes the night terrors worse… One big happy vicious web.

Eight days until my CBT. I had better be feeling better by then. Thankfully, the NABD seem to be really helpful and supportive and everyone there I’ve spoken to has been encouraging and certain that I should do well when I try again. Also I’ve got my first copy of Open House, and it’s got tonnes of pictures of adaptive devices in it, which mean that even with one leg out of commission, I should be able to get a grant to get a Kliktronic fitted, and thus to be able to ride.

All I need to do is be in one piece next Saturday. I’ve not swam in eight days, so I feel impossibly creaky, which isn’t helping. I might aim for the open swim tonight – Not a full-on lane session, nothing tiring, just a bit of gentle floating.

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5 thoughts on “Sirenidae

  1. Do hope today is better.

    Are you serious about 12 mg diazepam for a MONTH? I am allowed 10 mg per day when anxious!

    Crikey.

    • I am deadly serious – My doctors are far more worried about “Oh but sweety you’ll turn into a drug addict!” than “Oh dear god, sometimes your clavicle is ripped out of place by muscle spasms which then start choking you. I hear that oxygen is important.”

      I used to get six 2mg pills, and after saying that this wasn’t enough I managed to argue up and be given eight 2mg pills. That basically covers me for two episodes of spasms, so if I get a third one I either end up in hospital, or in pain and struggling to breathe for a week.

      According to Medicine, this is better than giving me an appropriate amount of diazepam, because giving me more than eight tablets a month would meean that I was a bad naughty drug addict who was addicted to drugs.

  2. 2mg is negligible in my book. Waste of time for me to take that dose!

    I KNOW it was over-prescribed historically, but why punish today’s patients for the sins of yesterday’s medics?!

    • Pretty much because yesterday’s medics still hold the reins in a few places so can’t be punished without repercussions for today’s medics, or are too old and retired to punish. And somebody HAS to be punished, because that’s how the ridiculously abstemious morality of our current political clime works.

      2mg just about works to keep the spasms at bay, but I need 4mg to really overcome them and make the muscles loosen off enough that they can be worked back into shape. Every time I mention that diazepam works really well for me and has side-effects that I can tolerate, doctors give me a look as if they’ve just eaten half a lemon, then discovered that the lemon was actually their beloved pet.

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