Benzin

So, my CBT is tomorrow.

I have to be at the meeting point by 7.45am. This means, factoring in transport and medication and stuff, getting up at 5.30. I’ve not, in general, been getting to sleep until about 3am.

I think over the past month or so I’ve really started to appreciate how bad the fatigue in EDS can get – I’ve not felt fully awake in about a fortnight, but I’ve also not been able to sleep either. I’ve tried Nytol to get more sleep, but that leaves me feeling knackered, and caffeine pills to need less sleep, but that doesn’t seem to work either. I’ve also, obviously, tried taking neither. I’ve gone the “Have as many naps as you need” route, and the “No sleeping except between the hours of 10pm and 7am” one. I’ve even tried my usually-successful tactic of “Fuck you, insomnia, I can stay awake for three days with no real ill effects” and the result was still… Well, no more tired, but no more likely to fall asleep either. It’s weird.

I’m just a sort of blurry mess that’s blundering through the days in a daze.

And tomorrow I’m being put in control of a motorbike. Hopefully I won’t feel as bad then as I do now (Today feels so bad that it could be a turning point) but if I feel this terrible in the morning, I’ll cancel and throw my money down the drain.

I’ve rang up to ask if it can be moved to slightly later in the day – Even just an hour later – but I’m not too hopeful.

Paradoxically, I’m also really looking forward to it. I feel like last time I really didn’t give myself the best chance of doing well, and I got too worried by the other riders and trying to compare my progress to theirs – Which was ridiculous, since one of them had ridden before, and the other had enough friends with bikes that, even though he claimed he didn’t, he’d obviously at least driven around a car park a few times.

And that VanVan is still calling to me.

I think my current plan is to try to go to sleep early tonight, then load up on caffeine tomorrow morning, and take it slowly all day. I’m the only one on the course, so if I need three hours of braking and gear-changes in the school grounds before we go out on the road, I am going to have three hours of driving around the school grounds, because that’s what I’ve paid for.

In brighter (literally) news, a science friend has answered my prayers and got me a SAD sleep/wake light, so maybe this bizarre sleepless nightmare will end soon.

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3 thoughts on “Benzin

  1. hoping this went well. I am hoping to follow you through the CBT / DA route soon. Then its off across south america prior to promoting revolution on cuba. or something.

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