Rasputin

Time is passing.

 

Well, in two days I’ve got Stanmore, again, which I’m trying to look forward to. Going to try to do it in one day again, and to try to get as much out of the single appointment as possible – If there is a second appointment, I probably won’t be able to afford to get to it, even with the disabled person’s railcard.

 

Just failed another Mod 1, so am about to take on the eighth attempt in December.

 

The kitchen ceiling is dripping in three places, and the bedroom wall has filled up with black mould because the outside downpipe has broken. Heating repair is coming on Monday, gutter repair was supposed to be today, but I’ve heard nothing yet.

 

I had to fill in a reapplication for PIP, which arrived on the 3rd of October and was due in for the 3rd of November. I got it sorted eventually, but it took me ages and again there’s something cripplingly embarrassing about having your best friend and their Mum both doing a close-reading of exactly how you wash your hair and feed yourself and wipe your arse. Was frankly mortifying to realise how antisocial I am now; How much I don’t like to see, or talk to new people, and how much it’s getting worse. It wasn’t that long ago, in lifetime terms, that I used to willingly go to societies, and parties, and to find value in meeting new, interesting people. My attempts at such this year turned pretty quickly into realising “I like the swimming, but I wish there were no other people” or “I like riding, but I wish I was the only person at this biker cafe” and, well, I’m not sure if that’s mental illness or just utter disillusionment with all other people. Anyway, it’s been coming on for a few years, but now other than Dearest and Best Friend, I’m a complete hermit, and even seeing them is a little exhausting.

 

In good news though: I’ve been swimming a couple of times, I went to Harrogate and got myself a nice lambswool jumper and a load of buttons, and my lacemaking is getting on a bit.

 

All I really want right now is to be out on my bike, or to be curled up in the warm with someone lovely, or just in general for it to be not this week at all.

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