Shying off fences

CBT today. Made it to the town centre by 7.30, was all prepared and stuff, got on really well with the instructor and everyone, but couldn’t keep up with the ableds. So, instead of spending the afternoon out on a bike, I came home at midday. This fits the pattern very neatly with every other new thing I’ve tried since diagnosis, and also with every old thing that I’ve tried to re-learn.

Lost some money, set my confidence back, feel like this was confirmation that I will learn no new skills and get no better at old ones, so am now officially waiting for death. I have got very good at letting months pass in a haze, out of necessity, so it shouldn’t feel like too long, I hope.

Boris Gilt Rides Again

(Not a reference to anything external, sadly. Boris Gilt was a golden kirin that I once dreamt/hallucinated, who was sitting on the toilet in my old flat, holding a copy of the Financial Times and wearing a bowler hat, and when questioned as to why he was there responded with “Sorry, Charles and Charles had a prior engagement and couldn’t be here.”)

But really, guilt. Today has been all about guilt.

Things that have been too painful, exhausting, or confusing to do;

-Eat

-Put on clothes

-Watch TV

-Talk to best friend over Skype

– Interact with Dearest at all, including simple conversation

So what I have done today;

-Laid on sheepskin, staring at ceiling

-Tried to watch TV, but instead kept interrupting the episode by finishing the conversations I’d failed at earlier, making both impossible to understand.

-Made mess in kitchen, left half-full bowl of bright yellow curry on settee.

-Made mess of settee by kicking the cushions around in circles whilst trying to get comfortable.

-Returned to lying on sheepskin, sleeping.

Basically, I feel as if I should be being a better partner. And my migraine is back, with not so much a vengeance as with tiny niggling pains all over.

Tomorrow I intend to buy new pillows, probably of the massive bolster kind. They make everything better. Also new sheets, since the ones I have are wearing thin, and new curtains to block out the bloody stupid flashing light opposite which is almost certainly part of the problem. I also really want to get some green glass lamps, the ones with the little folding glass doors in the metal frames, so that I can have green candlelight to fall asleep in.

GP appointment on Monday at 17.00, to talk about migraines and medication. Probably a good start.

As expected.

Today, I’ve gone completely mental.

Well, it started yesterday.

I’m hearing a fairly loud and persistent voice at the moment (Yes, literally) that’s telling me to hurt myself – specifically, to carve up my bad hip with a scalpel in order to get hurried along the surgery queue. I know this isn’t how it works, but it’s still a loud, distressing, annoying voice.

The other one is the very common one, saying “Hurt yourself, it’s better pain relief than morphine, and the side effects don’t last as long”. This is also difficult to ignore.

The third one is that I’ve had a shower, and the voice is saying “Psch, who do you think you are? putting on airs and graces, having a shower, as if anyone cares, you could wash all you like and still smell foul and not be suited to the company of other people. Fuck airs and graces, you’re not doing anything that bourgeoisie, my friend.”

But replace “airs and graces” with “trousers”.

I am literally sitting here in a towel because I believe that my own trousers are too good for me, and that putting them on would be unbearably acting above my station.

I’ve also self harmed, because some things aren’t completely ignorable. Hopefully, that’ll catalyse me into putting on a shirt and covering it up. I’d been wearing the same pyjamas for several days (sleeping and waking) and that’s not a good look, even for me. I smell completely hateful, even now, immediately post-shower.

Best Friend has offered to come over and keep me company later. Right now, this isn’t good though.